How To Cheat on Your Girl Better Than a Politician or Male Feminist
In the good old days, a guy cheating on his best gal would have the good sense and decency to at least keep it discrete so she wasn’t embarrassed in front of her family and community.
A guy used to at least protect himself from a fall from grace by not leaving behind obvious evidence of the deed.
A guy cheating used to at least choose an attractive mistress.
And lastly, a guy cheating used to at least ACTUALLY BUST A NUT.
What is with these politicians and male feminists leaving behind tons of electronic evidence of affairs that they never actually had, because the girls were in a completely different zip code from their penis? Why are they choosing fat chicks and skanks? Why are they paying?
If getting caught cheating is bad for a relationship, how about trying to cheat and not being successful? That’s even worse, at least the guy who cheats is desirable, the thirsty beta sexter is a sexual market reject.
So here it is, I’m giving a free cheating lesson to any hack politican who has never worked a real, profit producing job in his life or low-rated community college teacher turned nuetered self-hating feminist writer who feminists don’t even like:
Rule# 1: Don’t do it. As men, we have a thing called “honor”. A man is only as good as his word. Nobody is saying you can’t fuck tons of chicks, you big old pimp. If that’s your thing, just don’t give a girl your stated committment. Nobody gives Derek Jeter a hard time.
Okay, I get it. For some with a more flexible code of ethics, Rule#1 will get ignored. Fine, I’ll still help your slimy ass.
Rule# 2: Turn off the phone. Has Pauly from goodfellas taught us NOTHING? You can get away with lots of crooked shit if you never leave evidence. Phone records have brought down many great men. Don’t be another. No phones. No email or facebook either.
I get that phone is necessary for meetups, right? Get a prepaid burner phone not linked to your name. Voice calls only, disguise your voice the best you can and delete the record of your call right after. Never leave a voicemail.
Never, ever trust that a girl will delete evidence. She won’t. If you fucked up badly enough to request this from her, you’re probably fucked. Or pegged, as the case may be.
Rule #3: Use a fake name. No, not an obviously fake one like Carlos Danger or Ron Mexico. You want her to actually think you are a different person.
Rule #4: Meet your mistress through cold approach only. A parlay with Rule #3. The closer to your social circle or work you meet your mistress, the more potential trouble there is for you. Don’t introduce her to your friends or anyone you know, and don’t go in public with her. Sorry, famous guys leveraging their status into hot poon, you are out of luck here. Just know some extra discretion is needed. The bright side for male feminists? You’re not famous.
Rule #5: Only cheat with a very hot girl. You’ve heard Heartiste’s Jumbotron Rule. You’ve seen my Paparazzi Rule. Now I’m adding one: The Tabloid Test. If your relationship was subject to public scrunity and the news of your affair broke on blogs and newstands far and wide, would people at least look at the girl you cheated with and say “damn, she’s hot?” Would guys sympathize and know immediately why you did it?
Petraus passed the Tabloid Test, at least when the mistress was presented with a side by side shot of his wife.
Weiner failed miserably. Clinton failed. Schwarzenegger failed grande.
Rule #6: Cheating is about the nut. Quick and dirty. Don’t fall in love. Don’t let her fall in love. Don’t allow yourself to feel validated about the cheating beyond a five second orgasm. You don’t take pleasure in flirtations or sexts. You only get pleasure from the actual sex. If you violate this rule, it will blind you into taking your eye off the ball, cause you to get sloppy and break the other rules, and eventually get you caught.
There you have it.
Follow these rules and you can avoid getting caught in a sexless sext message relationship, which might cause you to tearfully quit the internets in shame, so you can continue getting pats on the back from old fat chicks for slicing off your own dick via prose.
Follow these rules and maybe you can avoid getting caught sending a spunky image of your smoothly shaved chest to a lumbering muffin top so maybe then you’ll have a chance to destroy a whole city with your progressive and vibrant policies.
Or don’t. That actually works better for me.