Navigating the Status Minefield: Liar Liar Crotch on Fire Edition

by laidnyc

The year is 2005.

I’m standing at the bar with a hot girl.

Suddenly, an ugly girl approaches.

“Hey” she says, addressing me by name.

Not being accustomed to ugly girls approaching my throne, I am confused.

“Do I know you”, I ask

“Yeah, we’ve met” she says,   “You were hanging out with my friend Jess Rozen.  You bought her a drink and then hung out with us.”

Jess Rozen was an ugly girl of unrepellant personality from one of my classes.  A few weeks earlier she had bought me a drink to entice me to talk with her group of ugly friends for a little while.  It being a Tuesday night and the bar being otherwise empty, I had accepted.

I grit my teeth.

“No, no.” I said, “She bought me a drink.  There’s a difference.”


The year is 2003.

I am at a party.

I am introduced to Stephanie.

I find Stephanie very attractive.

A mutual friend, upon seeing me take a liking Stephanie, pulls me aside to inform me that she has a five year boyfriend.

Being a man of great honor and decency, I decide I will not try to fuck Stephanie, and I reroute my troops to more fertile ground (one of her friends).

Stephanie, however, did not possess the same honor and decency.  At first I took her frequent butting in to my conversations as cockblocking, but when she started grabbing my biceps, resting her head on my shoulder, and pressing her leg against mine, I got the hint.

I accepted her affections (she was hot), but through one part morals, one part poor logistics, I did not hook up with her.

The next day I talk to my friend Val.

“Your friend Stephanie is nice”, I tell her.

“Yeah”, said Val, “You were, like, all over her last night.”

“What???”, I say, “No way.  She was all over me.”

Val laughs.  “Yeah right.  She has a long term boyfriend.”

She says this with an air of finality, as if its irrefutable proof.  I bite my tongue.


The year is 2008.

I am at a co-ed stag for a guy on my softball team.

Unable to resist my masculine charm, a short cutie named Lisa pushes me up against a wall and starts making out with me.

The next day I am talking to Lisa’s friend Stacey.

“Did you have fun last night”, asks Stacey

“Yeah” I say

“I’ll bet.” she says, “I saw you push Lisa up against the wall and start making out with her.”

“No” I say, my voice a mixture and anger and annoyance, “Lisa pushed me up against the wall”

“Well either way” says Stacey


The year is 2010.

I’m fucking Katie.  In the midst of passionate throes she whispers into my ear “You have the perfect dick.”

After a few romps in the hay, I dump her unceremoniously by ignoring her texts.

We run into each other at a party a few weeks later.

I tease one of Katie’s friends and she buts in and says, “Whatever, LaidNYC, you have a small penis!”

The girls at the party giggle.  Small penis jokes are the zenith of female wit.

After suppressing the nuclear bomb of anger that went off in my brain, I regroup my troops and respond:

“Well anything would be small compared to that cave you call a vagina”


Girls lie.

Girls will lie most often to protect their of their friend’s social status.

Rarely will a girl’s sexual market  lie be to your benefit, it is more likely to be to your direct detriment.

Do girls actually believe their lies are reality?  I have no idea.

Just know that when a girl lies you will always be reframed as the pursuer, not the pursued.  The rejected, not the rejector.  The undesired, not the desired.

Keep in mind that girl status-enhancing lies are not always blatant, like the small penis claim.

They are more likely to be insidious and ankle-biting.
They contain grains of plausible deniability.
They are about details so small that correcting the lie makes you look petty.

A subtle rephrase of what you said and suddenly it doesn’t pass the Jumbotron test.
A flipping of who did what action (i.e. saying she didn’t respond to your text when it was the other way around).
An omission of an important qualifier that made your actions contexually more alpha.

It is the DETAILS that often make the difference between an admirable, cool guy and a pussy-thirsty beta chump.

The DETAILS matter.  A lot.  Girls know this, and this is where they wage their war.

So what can you do?

Well, true players will notice that in all but the fourth example, I responded incorrectly.

When confronted with an insidious lie, do not get defensive.  A denial makes you look guilty.  You are just volleying to her forehand.

Neither can you let the lie slip by unacknowledged.

I’ve found a good all-purpose response to a girl trying to sneak in a girl-status protecting lie at your expense is to simply reply:

“Yeah…something like that.”

You say this in a way that people sense the manner of a man who privately knows the real truth but doesn’t care enough to reveal it.  The words are lightly coated in sarcasm, but not enough to imply defensiveness.

Then the topic is changed to one of the liar’s ignorance or lack of expertise.
The liar is innocently backturned.
The player lives on to fuck another day.